Season Two: Episode Two

JANUARY 10, 2021

I had my eye doctor appointment this past week. Turns out my eyes are okay. Thank goodness. I was a little worried when I took an eye test that gauged my peripheral vision. I could hardly see most of the lines with my left eye, but my doctor said I was nearly perfect which was good considering it was my first time doing that test. Though I do remember when I was a kid, I did something like it at my pediatrician’s doctor office. Gosh that was a memory from a million years ago, I still remember how the doctor office looked it never changed, and it actually still hasn’t changed to this day. The same doctor is there still practicing.

My gynecologist is the same doctor that delivered my sisters and I. It’s pretty crazy living in a small town. Hardly anything changes here, but when you really look, everything has changed.

I am currently making changes to my life. I think it’s been pretty positive so far. I have consciously made the decision to eat less rice. Before I would eat rice every meal of the day, but now it’s only once or twice a day, mostly once though. As I write this on Sunday night, I had a fruit salad for dinner because I had a pretty heavy breakfast, medium lunch, and I just didn’t feel like eating a lot for dinner so we went and got fruits. I wanted apples, but I ended up eating the fruit salad instead tonight.

This morning, I was the lightest I’ve been since May 2020. I weighed in at 207.9lbs. I’ve been plateaued at 212 for a long time and I’m really glad that cutting out rice has really made me feel lighter and less bloated. Sometimes I’m weak and eat a bunch of rice, but now I feel awful afterwards and completely regret it, so I’m learning a little at a time. I’m getting there.

I still haven’t contacted my endocrinologist. I’m going to get a raise at my job, so maybe that’ll be able to help pay for the second insulin, but really, I don’t think I can afford it. Oh and my pharmacist gave me a different needle from the one I’ve had and I HATE IT. It says it’s the same length as my other needle but that is a bull lie, it looks so much longer! When I inserted the needle in my thigh, I felt the whole thing and it kind of felt like it popped something when the whole needle went in, I don’t know how else to describe it. When I was injecting the insulin, I could feel every single click of the plunger as each unit went in and I HATED THAT MOST. It’s not been a good experience.

I’m working and studying to get my securities license. I’m trying to really work on my business and it’s going to be a long road, but I have to keep reminding myself why I’m doing it. The studying is like learning a whole new language but I’m excited about it.

My blood sugar still hasn’t been in range all that much lately, but I’m getting there. I wish I wasn’t diabetic. I wish I could have a child and a house of our own. I wish I wasn’t fat and I had an actual butt. Wishing can only get you so far. You have to put in the work and make your wishes come true. You can shout your wishes to the Universe, but YOU have to meet the Universe halfway. I’m trying to meet the Universe halfway and it’s a lot of work, but I have so much to fight for. I have to fight for it, no matter what.

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